QUESTION # 603: THEY WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED ALICE

Dear Useless Men,

I really do not like to clean. I was wondering if you might have some speedy cleaning solutions for me ... like maybe you know of a garden gnome or two that are out of work and would like to clean for cheap ... barring that, how can I get my house clean and still have time for other things in life?

Signed,
Not-So-Mrs.Clean

Dear Not-So-Mrs. Clean,

The answer to your cleaning problems is quite simple. In a word: Procreate.

That's right, have kids. Lots of them. And as frequently as the human gestation period will allow.

I know you're about to say that more kids means more mess, but allow me to preempt that complaint by saying: Yup.

Yeah, you read that right. I agree with that statement. I mean, seriously, anybody with offspring can tell you that more kids means more toys to step on, more poopy diapers to change, and more pureed peas to scrape off the wall. BUT... LOTS more kids is a different story.

Let me explain.

Three or four children in the house boils down to a couple thousand dollars worth of Barbies, Hot Wheels, and Lego strewn across every square foot of usable floor space. Not to mention enough laundry to keep your washer/dryer set in a state of perpetual motion (you may even be looking at TWO sets if all four are girls) and a pile of dishes that never seems to shrink (because every refill of Sunny D requires a new glass. Everybody knows THAT).

Start talking about nine or ten kids, though, and now we're looking at something I like to call Critical Mass.

At that point, a few different factors come into play. First, you have an age spread between the oldest and youngest of at least 9 years. That means Big Sister Suzy can begin chipping in by feeding, changing, and entertaining Little Brother Bobby.

Second, since your budget will no longer allow for extra expenses, the family will have to make do with whatever plates, glasses, and cutlery are available. They may begin using the same cup twice or, at the very least, washing one out whenever they need it. The same goes for clothes.

Of course, none of this actually gets your house CLEAN. That's where the final and two most important factors come in: Force and Bribery.

Let's face it, whether they like it or not, you're the boss. If you tell them to clean up, they have to do it. That's the force. It works best with the youngest ones. The older ones may begin to question this authority (silly teenagers), but you can always remind them that you control the food supply. With that many people in the house, there's no question SOMEONE'S going hungry each meal. And you can decide who that someone is. That's the bribery.

They may have abolished slavery, but there's no law against promiscuous, unprotected sex in the marriage household! And THAT, folks, is what I like to call a legal loophole.

So, throw on a low-cut top and a denim mini-skirt and get out to the Honky Tonk hunting grounds. I just KNOW there’s a Useless Man (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) just WAITING to make your dreams of a spotless home come true.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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