QUESTION # 591: EVERY BATHROOM IS A STAGE

Dear Useless Men,

Why do my nephew, husband, brother and Dad all have to go to the bathroom right when supper or lunch or breakfast is ready? Is it Pavlovian? I don't even ring a bell? Each time I call them for the meal they all suddenly have to go to the bathroom. I know it isn't just to wash their hands, that would be a bonus though.

Signed,
Waiting at the Table

Dear Waitress,

A very good question! I can tell you are very observant and yes, you're right. It is not to wash our hands. HA HA HA! That's fantastic…

It is also not to do what is commonly called, "Clearing Some Space" or, "Clean The Pipes", or whatever else one might politely call a #2.

The reason men run to the bathroom when called for a meal is because they need to prepare for their performance. It's not Pavlovian, it's more like Pavarottian. Instead of Chowtime, you could just as easily yell, “Showtime!”

For men, eating is not about sustenance or survival. Just look at the crap we stuff ourselves with. It's like performance art, and sometimes a sport, but mostly art.

We run to the bathroom to get into character, recite tongue twisters to loosen our jaws and even down a few glasses of water to open our throats. All this is in preparation for the performance of our lives. Each time we sit down for a meal we think, “This could be my last. Let's make it count.”

You may have noticed that most men run to the bathroom after the meal as well. That's to breathe out tension, get out of character and congratulate our self on a great performance. This usually takes longer then the preparation because of the intense emotions built up during our performance.

In fact, if we are at an all-you-can-eat buffet, it may be necessary to include an intermission during our performance in order for us to relieve some of the tension built during the first half of the show. This is due mostly because the second half can be quite intense.

Now some men tend to draw from within in order to prepare for these performances. We call them method actors; you call them over-eaters. We say they are the best of the best. We all can learn from such skill.

So the next time you get the boys ready for their upcoming performances, be sure to tell them to "choke on a dinner roll!" for good luck.

Enjoy the show!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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