QUESTION # 628: WHOSE FART IS IT ANYWAY?

Dear Useless Men,

Every time he farts my husband blames the dog. Lame as that is, he seems to have forgotten the dog died three months ago.

Signed,
Getting Gassed Nightly

Dear Getting Gassed Nightly,

If I were in any way medically inclined, which I can assure you I am not, I could tell you that gas continues to escape from decomposing bodies long after they’ve died and that the dead dog should probably be moved off the couch and buried somewhere.

I hope I’m wrong about the current and unhygienic state of the dog, and also that your husband hasn’t developed that disease that makes you forget everything, things like your poor poochy’s passing. What is the name of that disease?

Hilarious alliterations aside, it’s my understanding that when couples have been together for a while, excitement fades as complacency sets in. If someone could get away with squeaking one out after six months of marriage, who’s to say they couldn’t get away with something a little bigger or raunchier a year later?

What I’m saying is, marriage is a two-way street and I think both of you are equally responsible for the current situation. Perhaps he’s blaming his farts on the dog in retaliation for you blaming yours on the chair, that “squeaky” floor board, or Mittens the goldfish. Changing your behaviour could result in him changing his.

Start by accepting responsibility for your own gassy emanations and see if he changes his tune. Reverse psychology also works by congratulating and complimenting him on his anal explosions before he gets the chance to blame the dog. Try giving out a loud “Hoo-YAA! And a round of high-fives! I suspect he’ll feel his talent is appreciated, and things will change.

All men want is to be recognized for their efforts and accomplishments. Not a man alive wouldn’t be proud to be in the Guinness Book of World Records holding the title of ”World’s Biggest Earth-Shattering Fart”. It’s something a man can have carved onto their tombstone, to be eternally remembered for. It’s something they can brag about to friends, and to their new girlfriend if their wives eventually leave them. And they’ll always be remembered as the “ex” who ripped massive farts.

Being remembered. It’s a good thing.

Pull My Finger,
The Useless Wonder


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